This Christmas while Daisy was docked in Cape Town, Paige (Ed’s girlfriend) Nic, Sam and I flew out to Johannesburg South Africa, where we were meeting the crazies from Cape Town (Bob, Ed & Danni), and Ruth and Gary (my sister-in-law and brother-in-law). Christmas 2013 was to be spent on safari…

How many people can say they’ve been about 20 feet from a couple of Rhino (bigger than my truck), out in the bush, with nothing between them and the rhino but a shrub, and nothing to defend themselves with other than a camera? Yes I can, I have done that, been there, bought the t-shirt etc, etc… Obviously I have, I’m actually that daft but still desperately in search of recognition from David Attenborough for all my fabulous photography endeavors!

And so the adventure begins…

While on safari this Christmas in the Kruger Park, South Africa, my sister-in-law Ruth arranged for us to go on a bush walk. Now I have to say that I was just a little concerned about this, as we normally drive through the bush where its strongly advised not to put your windows down, actually its illegal to put the windows down. And here we were (the crazies) going through the early morning bush (early morning is when all of the animals are at their most alert and in hunting mode) on foot…

It was an early start, and by early, I mean early, 3:45am to be exact. We had to meet our guides at 4:00am at the entrance to the park. The sun rises early in Africa. So if we wanted to see the animals in action this was the time to do it…

Our main guide Louis, was very informative regarding the safety procedures, what to do and ABSOLUTELY NOT to do should things go wrong! Having completed the paperwork, which was basically signing away our families right to sue should we be eaten by lions or trampled by elephants, we all boarded the safari truck and set off out into the bush. The journey out in the open top truck was absolutely bloody freezing. The loudest noise from us was the sound of chattering teeth…

Our first sighting was a couple of hippo’s submerged in a river, the safari truck stopped just a few feet from the river, and just out of sight of the hippo’s and we all alighted and listened attentively to the lecture on how not to get trampled, eaten or torn limb from limb should an awkward situation arise… Also not to go look at the hippo’s because they were Africa’s most dangerous and unpredictable animals, OMG and here we were on foot just a few feet away behind a shrub! What was I thinking?

We were not to talk, or make loud camera clicking noises, no screaming or giggling (what the hell did they think we were going to giggle about, although i thought that screaming was a distinct possibility), we had to walk silently in line one behind the other.

Our party consisted of: Captain Bob, me, Nic & Sam, Ed & Paige, Danni and another random guy who was willing to risk life and limb to get up close and personal with the African wildlife at feeding time… And our two guides.

We had to wait while the guides loaded their rifles before heading out into the bush behind the guides. Apparently both guides walk up front leading, because (in their words) lions, leopards and the like do not wait hiding behind bush’s ready to pounce upon stupid bush walkers, they will attack from the front or side.

I was impressed, really, no one said a word, we all walked soundlessly,like Indians, as if in “Last of the Mohicans”. It was truly impressive.

We spotted some Impala, elephants in the distance, and enormous piles of rhino poo, which Louis danced in as he explained at great length the purpose of the rhino poo holes! hmmmmmm I won’t elaborate further.

We were educated upon the life (and death) of the Leadwood tree, and the ‘wandering dew’ flowers, that can be used to moisten dry eyes. I was the only one in our group to try it, and I have to say it was refreshing, my eyes saw so much more having added the drops from the “wandering dew”.

We stopped for a brief picnic breakfast, which consisted of some sort of beef jerky, packet cheese, biscuits, bottles of juice and a fruit and nut mix. While we were eating Louis went off to scour the surrounding bush for animals. He returned after about 15 minutes saying he had come across a rhino. Quickly clearing up the breakfast stuff we all headed back out in search of the rhino. It didn’t take us long, and we were excited to see that there were actually two rhino. We approached stealthily, all crouched in “Indian hunting mode” moving silently from one shrub to another, sadly none of the shrubs were quite large enough to hide the bulk that was a group of 10 people, no matter how stealthily we moved. But we were downwind and quiet, so the rhino were oblivious to our approach. We came within about 50 feet of the grazing rhino when Louis excitedly told us in a whisper that there were more rhino behind the two we were watching. I could feel the buzz of excitement from our group as we all crouched silently trying to take photographs without making clicking noises (not possible). Louis hurried us quietly to take shelter behind a larger shrub, but it was still too small to cover us all. He reassured us that rhinos have poor eyesight, they use smell, and as we were downwind they would be oblivious to our presence.

The two rhino continued to walk towards us, 50 feet very quickly became 30 and I have to tell you I was becoming more than a little nervous, these animals could trample a bus, they were huge, really, really huge, and those horns, OMG… I felt so vulnerable. I looked across at Nic and Danni who were both lapping it up and clicking away crazily with their cameras, Paige looked absolutely terrified, but like a true star she stayed completely motionless without panicking, I could see that Ed was loving the adrenaline rush of being this close to these animals, but I could also see he was concerned for Paige. The two rhino continued to walk towards us, stopping every few feet to peer at our shrub, I turned to the guide crouched beside me and whispered in my finest English accent “Oh fuck”! I was now really nervous, “it’s OK” he said. But I knew the guides couldn’t ready the guns in time to protect us if the rhino charged, I don’t think I have ever in my life felt so vulnerable. Eventually, as it became painfully obvious that the rhino wanted the shade of our shrub, and were making no obvious moves to go elsewhere, Louis started tapping a bullet against the shaft of his rifle, apparently they don’t like the metallic sound. It didn’t work, it only seemed to increase their curiosity. They continued to move in our direction but this time with more interest, they got to within about 15 – 20 feet away when Louis stood up and started making clicking noises, this startled them and they spun with amazing speed and ran, but only a few feet, then they stopped and turned back towards us, Louis kept standing up and then crouching, making the clicking noises, eventually the rhino turned and trotted off in the opposite direction, I let out such a sigh of relief as I stood slowly easing my cramped mussels from my crouching position.

Louis was just instructing us all to move away in single file, keeping the shrub between the line of vision of rhino and ourselves, when Ed said “there’s a lion over there that’s been watching us”, “well spotted” said Louis, “let’s see if we can get closer, as long as she doesn’t have cubs we’ll be OK”.

We all turned to walk towards the lion (I still couldn’t see her) when Ed said “is it OK that she’s now stood up, and swishing her tail, she looks agitated!” “Hang on” said Louis, “she’s got cubs, we better not get any closer”. “Um, what does it mean when she’s running in this direction?” Ed said with just a slight high pitched sound in his voice. “OK everyone move as fast as possible without running in this direction, same as before single file, no noise, fast as possible” Louie said. I thought I detected a slight panic in his voice, this did nothing to comfort me, Ed and I were the last in line and we were walking like Owls, with our heads swiveling this way and that looking for the lion… I did catch a brief glimpse of her as she sprang over the bluff towards us.

Thank Heaven our swift departure was obviously noted and the lioness returned to her cubs and we returned to our safari truck.

I have to say this was one crazy adrenaline rush, would I do it again? In a heartbeat, being that scared is crazy, but I’ve never felt that much alive…